New Years Resolutions

Everyone has had the experience of setting New Years Resolutions which fall apart pretty quickly following the start of the new year. People set lofty goals related to their health, relationships, work and money with the change of the year a perfect opportunity to make all the changes they have had difficulties making the previous year. Research has found that after six months, less than 50% of people have kept their New Years' resolution (Norcross et al., 1989).

Oftentimes, New Years' Resolutions are not met because people set unrealistic goals, did not track their process, forgot about their resolutions or made too many resolutions. Another common reason for lack of success with New Years' Resolutions is the individual is not ready to make the change.

Whilst setting goals have benefits in providing us with direction, something to work towards, tracking of this goal and the promise of a sense of achievement, when we do not meet our goals, this can cause distress. Typically, when we fail at meeting our goals, we experience uncomfortable emotions- shame, disappointment, embarrassment or frustration.  It can also lead to a decrease in our self-esteem, negative self-talk, and feelings of worthlessness.

On the other hand, sometimes when people do meet a goal they have been working toward, they also feel uncomfortable feelings such as feeling empty, stuck, unsure or lost. This is typically explained by the “arrival fallacy”, which is the belief that when we arrive at/meet our goal we will be happy and remain happy. We then meet the goal, and that feeling of achievement is fleeting leaving us feeling directionless.

Living life by our values rather than being driven by goals can reduce the impacts of failure, shame and diminish the “arrival fallacy”.

“Values are words that describe how we want to behave in this moment and on an ongoing basis. In other words, values are your heart's deepest desires for how you want to behave- how you want to treat yourself, others and the world around you” (pp. 213, ACT Made Simple, Russ Harris). Our values are often known as our “inner compass”.

The best way to distinguish between values and goals is that goals typically are something that can be “crossed off the list” whereas values are always accessible to us and we can choose to live consistently with them or not.  We often set goals that are consistent with our values. Goals are always future oriented whereas values we can choose to meet in the here and now.

 For example:

 Being Loving = Value

Getting Married = Goal

Being Healthy= Value

Running a Marathon= Goal

Being reliable and approachable = Value

Getting a promotion= Goal

We cannot always guarantee we will meet our goals however we can always choose to live by our values i.e., we cannot be certain we will be able to run a marathon however could live in a healthy way and we can do this without running at all.

Step 1: Identifying our Values:

The first step in living a values-driven life is identifying and clarifying your values. This could be through identifying what is important to you and considering what you bring to these parts of your life.

To help identify your values, engage in the following activities:

10 years from Now, Looking Back (from pp.218 , ACT Made Simple, Russ Harris):

“Imagine that you are in the future, ten years from now, and you are looking back on your life as it is today, Complete these three sentences:

            I spent too much time worrying about….      

            I did not spend enough time doing things such as….

            If I could go back in time, what I would do differently is…”

You could also ask yourself the following questions in relation to how you would like your loved ones to describe you:

-       What sort of person are you?

-       What are your strengths and positive qualities?

-       How do you treat others?

Step 2: Living by our Values:

Next time you notice yourself focusing on a goal, feeling driven by meeting a goal, or when setting your New Years resolution, consider making this values-driven rather than goal driven.  You can do this by exploring the underlying value that is fuelling that goal and remembering the key characteristics of values as described above.  You can make an active choice and effort to live by these values day to day.  

It is useful to write your values down somewhere where you will see them regularly (phone notes, in a diary, on the fridge or mirror) and to communicate your values with others.

When you notice feelings of distress or shame, gently ask yourself if you are acting in alignment with your values, if you are not acknowledge this, and ask yourself how you can get yourself back on track with your values.

If you find yourself wanting further support on this, please feel free to contact us on 8838-8687 or book an appointment online to come and see one of our friendly Psychologists.