How to say no.

Tips on setting boundaries.

For many of us, saying no can be an incredibly challenging task. This may be out of fear of letting others down or out of a desire to constantly please those around us.

While saying yes may provide some short-term relief by allowing you to avoid confrontation with others and avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions, saying yes, all the time has its own implications. Every time you say yes to something, you say no to your own priorities. For example, each time you say yes to things you don’t really enjoy, you say no to the things you do enjoy. Each time you agree to meetups that go nowhere, you say no to time with the people you really care about and each time you say yes to yet another favour, you say no to the things most important to you.

How we kindly and proactively ensure healthy boundaries is not an easy task, telling people what you need might seem selfish, aggressive, or even rude. But it’s important, boundaries allow us to feel safe and respected both physically and emotionally. Honouring our limits helps us to take better care of ourselves, builds trust, prevents burnout, and infuses more meaning and authenticity into our relationships. 

Here are a few tips to help you in setting boundaries.

Understand your priorities

Take the time to consider what is important to you. Your time is valuable and if you say yes to everything you run the risk of burnout, feelings of resentment and you deny yourself the time to focus on the things that you enjoy. Write a list of your priorities and compare it to where you are currently spending your time and energy, from this you will be able to see whether you need to make any adjustments.

Use direct communications

Practice clear communication. You do not always have to explain yourself or come up with an excuse when you don’t want to do something. Being assertive and direct will help in preventing you from falling into old habits.

Allow time to reflect

If you are in a situation where someone is crossing a boundary, but you are not sure how to respond, consider coming back to the conversation after you’ve had time to reflect.

Understand that boundaries can be flexible

We will have different boundaries for different people, and they may change over time or in different contexts. Having boundaries that are too rigid or too loose can also lead to problems.

Be prepared for negative responses

Expect that some people will react poorly to your boundaries. People that are controlling, manipulative or struggle to develop healthy boundaries themselves may be unhappy when you set a boundary. Whilst you can express your boundaries kindly, it is not your responsibility to make it okay for them.

Develop consequences for boundary violations

Consider what you will do if someone continue to cross your boundaries. This may involve taking a break from the relationship, stepping back from working with someone or disengaging from activities. Choose a consequence you are comfortable with and stay true to it.