Supporting someone with an eating disorder
Supporting a friend with an eating disorder can be challenging, but it can make a big difference to their recovery. Friends and family often play a large role in helping their loved one overcome an eating disorder. However, before you act it is important to understand some key facts about eating disorders and effective ways of helping them:
Eating disorders are not always just about food. Restrictive eating behaviours often develop over time and are used as a coping mechanism for deeper emotional issues.
Looking healthy does not mean the person is recovered. A person recovering from an eating disorder may start to return to their usual weight, however, that does not mean that they are no longer suffering from negative and intrusive thoughts. Your loved one will still need your support long after they have returned to their ‘healthy weight’.
Talk to them about normal things. Make sure that you’re not only talking about things related to their eating-disorder. Make an effort to talk about other aspects of their lives or things that interest them. Ask them about work or study or their favourite TV show.
Be there to talk to them about how they are feeling. Ask them how they are and listen to them without judgement, even if you do not agree with everything they say. It can be easy for them to feel like everyone is against them and trying to tell them what to do. Simply being there and validating their emotions can be extremely powerful.
Encourage them. It can be easy to get overwhelmed when trying to recover from an eating disorder- it too easily can feel like too much. Remind your loved one of all the positive things about recovery- remind them of the reasons they are trying to recover and remind them of all the things they will be able to do again once they are well.
Remind them of their achievements. For people suffering with eating disorders, it is easy to get caught up in negative self-talk which can diminish progress in recovery. Always remember to highlight their progress and achievements no matter how small.
Things to avoid
It is important to avoid doing or saying things that might make your friend feel ashamed or guilty. For instance, you should try to avoid:
Being critical and using blame language- Instead of saying ‘you’re not eating!’ or ‘you’re exercising too much!’ try taking the blame away and say something like “I have noticed that you haven’t been eating dinner with us recently,” or “I am worried about how much you’ve been working out.” This takes away the accusatory tone from what you are saying which can lead to a person feeling defensive. Instead, stick to pointing out what you’ve observed and use ‘I’ statements.
Simplistic solutions. Saying things like “Just stop” or “Just eat” isn’t helpful. It can leave the sufferer feeling frustrated, defensive, and misunderstood. Remember that eating disorder are complex and will take time to overcome.
Making generalisations such as ‘you never eat’, or ‘all you do is exercise’, or ‘you’re always in a bad mood’, this again can leave the person feeling defensive or guilty. Remember to acknowledge every small step towards recovery.
Trying to solve the problem. For many people suffering from an eating disorder, restrictive eating habits, are used a form of control. By trying to solve this problem for them and telling them what they have to do, they might feel as though they are losing control. Allowing the person, the ability to be somewhat autonomous in their recovery can be really impowering for them.
Complimenting their appearance. When someone is in recovery for an eating disorder it may seem natural to comment on their appearance by saying something like ‘you look so healthy’ or ‘you’re looking well’ but this can easily be negatively interpreted to mean ‘you look fat’. Instead, try focussing on attributes of the person that don’t relate to their physical appearance.
Eating disorders are complex and the road to recovery is often long. Family and social support plays an invaluable role so remember to be patient and to take care of yourself along the way.