Consent and Sexual Intercourse
Consent is a topic that is commonly misunderstood, and the definition and laws can change depending on where in the world you are. With the recent inquiries into the Parliament house sexual assault allegations, I think it’s important to really look at consent. Consent is defined as “permission for something to happen or an agreement to do something.” This definition doesn’t explain all the aspects of consent such as who can consent, how one consents and scenarios where one actually can’t consent.
Sexual Consent and the Law
When engaging in sexual activities in Australia the laws can be confusing and slightly change from state to state.
For the state of Victoria; To engage in sexual activities a person must be above the age of 12.
12-15 years: A person cannot have sex, touch you sexually or perform sexual acts in front of you if they’re more than 2 years older than you.
16-17 years: It is legal for this age group to consent to sexual activities, however it is illegal if for a person in a supervisors role (e.g. teacher, carer, religious official, medical practitioner).
For someone to consent, it needs to be done without any fear of harm of any type or being forced/ detained.
Enthusiastic consent
So what is it? Enthusiastic consent is when the people involved are super excited about participating. It is not just enough to say “yeah..”, you want a person to give you enthusiastic consent! You want your sexual partner to be saying “YES let’s do it” instead of you needing to convince or pressure them into the activity. Wouldn’t you want someone to be super excited about being involved rather than having to convince them?…
Another important factor is to get consent at different steps along the way. Just because someone consents to one thing doesn’t mean they give permission for everything. It is important to keep checking in with your partner to see if they’re still enthusiastic about the activities, and if they’re not that’s okay you need to respect this and stop.
Consent can be confusing so here’s a few analogies to help you out:
PEPPER ANALOGY
You know how when you’re in a restaurant & the waiter comes over with his little pepper partner & asks, “Would you like some pepper?” You either say “No, thank you.” Or you say, “Yes, please.” Then the pepper man starts grinding & grinding until you say, “That’s enough, thank you!” Then he stops.
This is consent. And the whole interaction does not make your dinner less fun or spontaneous. The pepper man does not get hurt if you say no & just grind pepper all over your food anyway while you weep. He will get to put pepper on someone’s food at some point & that’s cool by him. Even if you said “I’m not sure whether I really want pepper or not?” the pepper man would probably say, “Cool. This pepper mill will be here if you decide you definitely do want pepper later.”
It’s that simple. Treat a person you want to touch with as much respect as the f*ing pepper man treats your damn salad, FFS.
- Caissie St.Ong
MONEY ANALOGY
If you ask me for $5, and I’m too drunk to say yes or no, it’s not okay to then go take $5 out of my purse... Just because I didn’t say no.
If you put a gun to my head to get me to give you $5, you still stole $5. Even if I physically handed you $5.
If I let YOU borrow $5, that doesn’t give the right for your FRIEND to take $5 out of my purse. "But you gave him some, why can’t I?"
If you steal $5 and I can’t prove it in court, that does NOT mean you didn’t steal $5.
Just because I gave you $5 in the past, doesn’t mean I have to give you $5 in the future.
- Nafisa Ahmed
CUP OF TEA ANALOGY:
A great video of a stick figure making tea, give it a watch here;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ
So in summary, consent is not:
- Refusing to acknowledge “no” and coercing someone into saying “yes”
- Pressuring someone into saying “yes”
- Assuming you have permission because you’ve had it before
- Assuming that because they’re wearing certain clothing, flirting or kissing you that you can have more
- Being intoxicated and not directly saying “no” or maybe not saying anything at all
- Assuming you have permission for everything when they only consented to one thing
Consent is:
- Fully understanding the extent of the activity
- Enthusiastically saying “YES”
- Consenting at every step. Saying yes to one activity doesn’t mean you’re saying yes to them all.
- Respecting the others wishes and not getting angry/ upset if they say “no”
Consent is a confusing topic and there is a lot of grey areas. If you or someone you know wants to talk further about consent, or if you’d just like someone to chat to, feel free to contact us on 8838-8687 or book an appointment online to see one of our friendly psychologists.